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Old Journal Entry #5

Hello: Up to the last journal entry post, and I have never felt any better.

November 8: The assignment was to print out a "meme" which is a picture displaying a mockery of something followed with sarcasm.  The one I printed out was a college student holding his laptop in hand, and it says "Brings laptop to class.... Actually takes notes".  "I chose this meme because this used to happen to me every time I came to my psych101 lecture hall class.  At least for me, I much rather the act of writing than typing notes, yet I used to bring my laptop because I thought it looked very "college student" of me. I feel that many students feel the same or similar to how I felt because it's a sign of "growing up" or "maturity" for us, and at least for me, I crave to look, act, and feel older.  

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Old Journal Entry #4

Hello: My next post was written about the Guardian newspaper article, Romney continues to back up Mourdock in spite of Senate's hopeful rape remarks. 

November 6: "This article was chosen for a number of reasons. The reason why I printed out a newspaper from the UK/England was because it is a lot simpler to identify biased articles from other countries that talk about the US.  I was immediately drawn to the article because I couldn't believe people in our own country had felt so strongly towards a different definition of what rape was supposed to be and how "It's not that bad".  What really grasped my attention first was what Richard Mourdock said in the first paragraph, "claimed that pregnancies from rape are 'something that God intended to happen'." Romney had also made it clear to The Guardian that he supported the Republican senate candidate in Indiana, Mourdock.  When the public pointed out to Mourdock how offended they were, he only apologized for the public's misunderstanding of his opinion, but not of what he said.  Paul Ryan, who is anti-abortion in all cases - no exceptions, is opposed to abortion even more than Mourdock, which was hard to believe.  The worst part about this sitaution in politics right now is the fact that the best way for the politicians to back up their thought, they use their religious faith and "how God feels".  It's so difficult to see people try to redefine "rape" and that a woman impregnated due to rape should not have the choice to keep or lose her baby. This article was a tad difficult to identify as biased because the journalist did not state his/her opinion in the context, but the tone gave somewhat a vibe that they couldn't believe these men in office, same men trying to run as senators and the presidential position, feel this way towards rape and women's rights as a result to a vicious, traumatic event." 

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Old Journal Entry #3

Hello: 5am and still kicking! We can do this! I am starting to run out of things to talk about, and I know my entries will come out short, but I'm hoping not unacceptably short.

October 30: This entry was on Hurricane Sandy.  That time in my life felt like a long time ago, yet it was a recent point in time where our environement was affected so severely. I wrote, "Hurricane Sandy, by far was the most intense storm I have ever witnessed.  It not only destroyed towns, but at least a part of every individual's home in NY.  I stayed in the first floor with my grandparents and paren'ts as well as my uncle who lives with us,too.  We sat, contemplating how to use the time since Sandy viciously stole our power.  I have never felt so scared for a storm, but I was terrified.  My father and grandfather would open the door to the outside and it literally looked like the wind would suck them up.  So many trees had fallen and even electrical cords, too.  Cars constantly shook back and forth and side to side.  While the storm went on, Monday night, it mostly consisted of me pigging out on tons of food, saving my phone battery, joking around with my whole family, and nappiing.  I've never slept so much, but it was great."
I wish I could sleep right now.

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Old Journal Entry #2

Hello: Progress is good! Progress is key, almost at the finishing line. I know I'm almost done putting together this portfolio and wad of journal entries while finishing the final.  Shame on me for not being on top of it sooner.  It will all be done, though, if my life depends on it.  The best part, though, is that the subject is English. Therefore, I can write and write without feeling like I hate the subject.  I've always been good at English, since I was a youngin.  Ah, here we go, a longer old journal entry.

September 13: I had to write the last book/TV show/piece of music/or meal that I enjoyed or hated.  Basically, this was written as a review.  "The last book I read was A Million Little Pieces by James Frey for the second time.  This book happens to be one of my favorite books to read of all time.  James Frey portrays a character who was not only a hardcore drug and alcohol addict, but felt completely worthless about life, himself, and any possible chance to restore his health.  It takes place in a rehabilitation facility where James stayed.  For the first week or so, he had gone through usual procedures of the faclity without even daring look into a mirror.  He also went through the majorly severe symptoms of withdrawal; shakes, cramps, nausea.  Eventually, he saw his reflection only to find holes in his cheeks, a broken nose, and missing teeth. He also had many bruises in different areas.  James went along with the rules not because he was supposed to, but because he felt that since he is out of reach with drugs, he had nothing better to do than "go along with the show".  James Frey wrote this book fairly well, carrying his own original rhythm.  Frey included plenty detail about his character's journey to survive and that after a while, its all surreal of his rehabilitation.  It was not only a descriptive story that had a beginning, middle, and end, but had so much blatant expression of emotions that dearly touches the reader's heart". 

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Old Journal Entry #1

Hello: I know I'm going to end up writing this hear and then pasting it onto a word document for my portfolio, but whatever, I'll do it anyway.  I also have concluded that I will be studying all night.  Making some progress because I'm hardly thinking about sleep, or I am and it haunts me.  I took out my notebook and I will start posting the last entries I had in it to fulfill my English class quoda. 

September 3rd Entry: This entry said, "My whole weekend, nothing had truly caught my eye, nor struck my curiosit, but what did shock me a little was finding out that Michael Clarke Duncan died.  I was unaware of his life for the most part but admired him greatly as an actor.  He was a really good actor and funny overall.  I noticed the death of actors is increasing and I felt a little sad because death, in general, is very depressing turn of events." To continue: I remember watching Duncan in my favorite movie, Sin City (2005, play Manute who was the big boss man that lead his team of prostitutes who fought in the war against hitmen.  I always thought his character was a tad sketchy because his voice was so low and one of his eyes was this gold ball resembling an eyeball.  Death of any person is a sad time because it means losing someone who was loved and a part of someone's life.  It reminds me back to Jenni Rivera and Selena like I had mentioned before. You begin to wonder what they would've been doing if they were alive, living on the way they were before.  
Unfortunately this entry isn't too long. On to the next

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Reading Glasses

Hello: Unfortunately, my contacts are getting worn out. I can hardly see anything, so my mother gave me old reading glasses.  I hate these things, it reminds me of freshman year when I'd hide behind these even though no one could ever notice me, regardless. Apart of me does like wearing these glasses, though, because it brings back the good memories too. My friends always liked me in glasses and when I went to contacts, they were disappointed.  I used to value my friend's opinion so much that now I think about it, and it sounds silly to me. Sure, I will hear someome out, but I try to do my own thing most of the time. Sometimes following someone's advice can backfire on you. My mother always tells me that.

Randoms: I really, really enjoy listening to music that is just intstrumental and no vocals. It's very relaxing, especially when I'm feeling tense.  Saltillo is this musical band, that used to be Sunday Munich, which consists of a violin, viola, cello, drums, guitar and bass, along with other electronics.  Its very deep and I love listening to their music because it really soothes me.  
I saw my therapist at school on Thursday. I felt like it was such a great idea because I finally was able to explain the major things that happened in my life and what I felt about them.  I first mentioned to Professor Shoot that I'm gay and I have trouble coming to terms with it as well as being able to tell my mom. My mother thinks I cannot be with a guy because I'm too scared and stubborn. Although those two things are true, that is not why I don't want a boyfriend. I have guys that like me and some that try to take me out but... I don't feel anything towards them. I haven't really felt emotionally attached to anybody in a year. Apart of me still thinks that if I try to make it work with any guy, maybe every bad feeling will go away. That's what scares me, I feel like if my mother finds out I'm gay, things will just be the worst. I would rather her be happy. Nothing makes her happy these days. 
After I told the professor that portion, she seemed content that that was all it was. When she started to talk about other appointments, I raised my finger and said, "There's more". 
It went from self-harming, sensitivtiy and my overly emotional tendencies, past experiences, etc. She looked at me the entire time, completely baffled. I guess I don't really blame her for it. She said she was surprised I was shy because I speak well and I'm very poised. That made me feel good. The problem is that I'm only shy in school, specifically with teachers. I am still trying to figure out why.
I just realized there is a box of brownie mix and hot chocolate in the kitchen. I know I have to focus on completing the rest of English stuff/Studying/Etc, but I need to fulfill my craving. This has stressed me out so much.
Gonna see if I find my other journal entries.
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Unsuspected Turn of Events

 Hello: So before I go to bed, I wanted to write something quick about what has gone on. First of all, I am highly considering checking out the counseling center at school before anything.  I know it will help me somehow and I want help more than anything.  This birthday weekend of mine was a success.  Not a lot has happened, really, but I'm grateful regardless.  I got new shoes, a new journal, a new sketchbook, chocolate, money, and a new coat.  I didn't even expect gifts this year.  At one point, I forgot that people usually earn gifts when their birthday comes.  It's odd the way I think sometimes. Moving on, I'm happy overall.

In the Latino world: So there's this singer named "Jenni Rivera" and she sang mexican music.  I remember hearing her music at the family parties I twiddled my thumbs through.  The day after my birthday I was laying with my mom in her room watching Univision, which is the spanish news.  I was hardly paying attention because I was writing my paper on my laptop, but my mother interrupted me to express what had been going on.  Jenni Rivera was on tour and she had got on her own private plane from her last concert.  It was reported that so far, her plane had disappeared.  There was no trace of the plane and they were expecting the worst.  My mother mentioned that she felt the plane must have gotten destroyed and the pieces had fallen apart before it all crashed.  It had dawned on me that this was a very devastating moment.  This iconic mexican singer had gone missing and no one had every suspected this.  Throughout the entire afternoon, they showed interviews she had right before her disappearance as well as her performance from her concert on Saturday, December 8th.  She'd expressed the night before on camera how happy she was with her life.  She was glad with the way things were going and that she couldn't feel any more blessed about her five children.  The thing that left me speechless was when she was asked if she was afraid to fly, and her response was, "I'm not afraid for myself. I'm afraid for my children. If something happens to me, they're left alone. I don't know what I would do without my children." Although me and my mother didn't fancy Jenni Rivera's music, we were left with lumps in our throats and nothing to say.  We watched the news all afternoon to night, only to find that they had confirmed her death.  She had been caught in the explosion of the plane crash and nothing was left but the remains of her clothes, the clothes of her band mates, her I.D and a couple of bags.  For a lot of us, it brought us back to the tragic death of Selena back in 1993.  Although I was just born, I listened to her music as a child.  She was a young mexican artist that sang so beautifully.  She was a very popular artist that was shot by her former manager.  Her manager was so jealous of Selena's success that she could not let her live another day.  It was the most tragic news the public had heard.  I felt the most sad witnessing the reports of Jenni Rivera's death because, more than anything, these events were so unsuspected and sudden that you think twice about your life and how you've been living it. Such an iconic musician was taken away by unsuspected turn of events and we can only cherish every last bit of the life we get to have.

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Celebration of Birth

Hello: So.. It was my birthday today (12/08) and.. Well it was a pretty good day. The people who mattered remembered and the people who didn't matter..didn't. So I know where I stand and I know where they stand. But anyways, I did see the people I wanted to see which was great. I received presents which I really didn't expect but lately people are very giving, you know? I don't expect much of this birthday..19 years old. My last year as a teen. It still feels like I'm not in the right body to express my age mentally. In other words, I feel a lot older than 19, but one day I will be at the age I know I fit in. It's been a bittersweet day, but I got more attention than I thought I'd ever get.

Writing at Midnight: Interesting time to write but it's always good when you take a pill of melatonin and write while it kicks in. I think I mentioned in a few posts earlier that I do have sleeping issues; and if not, well I am mentioning it now. I am pretty messed up with that situation. I never can sleep on time, I wish I knew why. I took a survey the other day called "Culture and Emotional Well-Being" and apparently I have moderate to severe depressive symptoms; go figure. So I think I will contact the John Jay counseling center; probably best. So far, writing has helped so much with what I've been going through. I couldn't imagine doing anything else to relieve these negative feelings, but this is extremely helpful. I need to write more and I will. One of my gifts was a journal and I was so happy to receive it. I can't wait to start.
I should sleep now, the melatonin is kicking in.
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One Broke Girl

Hello: I completely forgot to mention that I downloaded livejournal in my phone to make posting much easier. It's so great, I don't have to wait. Anyway, I just left CVS with my mom today and I spent $50. So ridiculous, I know. I bought Chapstick, Aveeno moisturizer for my wrist, a washable bandage for my wrist, nasal spray for my recurrent allergies, Advil, and two bottles of Melatonin for my sleeping issues. So, I guess, money well spent. My mother mostly pushed me to buy all of these things because I have trouble "taking care of myself"...apparently.

Anxiety: Its fair to admit that, yes, I nearly almost had an anxiety attack when I had to speak in class. I found it so pathetic on my part because I really didn't have to say much. Honestly? It's just getting worse and I know I must find a solution. I mean, I know it's getting worse when I'm on the verge of tears while talking to my English teacher...alone. Seriously? That's so frustrating of me. I couldn't even say that The Perks of Being a Wallflower is one of my favorite books because I can relate to Charlie because I feel like I am a wallflower too. I couldn't say that I feel I have all the ability to write just the way Stephen Chbosky does. Such a shame.

Lighter Note: I finally decided to come-out to one of my friends in school yesterday. I was very proud of myself. She was so, so understanding and supportive. I even met someone too. So yesterday wasn't entirely a set back. The whole issue about coming-out to my mother is that....well she does not agree to it. She doesn't mind gay people but it's absolute tragedy if any of her children are. Very contradicting. We've been down that road before and it has never gone well. As far as she knows, it's just a phase. But...it's not. So, I don't know if I ever will tell her. Maybe not.
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Bloggerly Blogging on a Blog

Hello: I haven't felt this tired in a very long time so here goes. I'm extremely distracted between writing three papers. Two from English and one from Modern Art. It's so difficult to write on the spot and my planning is very poor. I know I'm not entirely focused and that's probably why I'm having difficulty. These days, it gets tougher to keep going with all this school stuff but I do know I have to motivate myself somehow. This isn't rocket science, here. Granted, it's already 10PM and I'm craving a cup of coffee. I'll hold it, though. I'd actually like to sleep tonight, despite all the running thoughts in my head. I've actually been thinking about writing a short story and I have been thinking about it for a while, but as usual, I am so distracted.

Stories: I love writing stories. It's the best thing when you get a creative writing assignment and you're free to write what you feel and think about that isn't right or wrong. I've always wanted to be a journalism minor but I guess I felt discouraged. I'm very insecure of my writing and I often feel it isn't good enough to be presented to anybody, so I stay hidden behind a computer screen. I hide behind a lot of things because I'm not completely confident of anything I possess. 

But anyway, a while back when I first started thinking about writing my story, I was thinking about writing a story about a little boy named Michael. Michael was born in very poor living conditions with an abusive father and an incestuous mother. Very twisted, but the story goes on to reveal that Michael grows to not only hate himself and his family, but of all mankind. He is diagnosed by a therapist that he is sociopathic and a danger to society. He commits murders to animals at a very young age and then resorts to murdering children in his classes. It doesn't sound like a pleasant story, but the main reason I wanted to write this was because it had come to mind immediately after the idea of writing a short story. So far, the best thing to help me write is Tumblr. I write everything on Tumblr, it is my greatest escape. I'm hoping that by the time I finish writing this horrific short story, I can show it to my professor and hopefully she will fancy it. 

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